#8

i'm not sad, i'm focused. sometimes it's good to focus on what lays deep inside, even if it's often equal to what's sad. it's better to focus, to go completely down, make it really dark and then jump, instead of setting it aside, where it will grow and punch you anyway when you will least expect it.

especially when someone close to you decides to give up his own life without any second thought - you start, ok, i start to focus on my life. it's impossible to actually learn from somebody else's mistakes but i always compare. when i sit in the audience and clap my hands because in front of me my friend gains something like an award, diploma or shows what he had learned then i compare and i know that's bad to envy but i almost cry, cause i do. i have a lot of friends from music school and everytime they had invited me to their concerts, i really envy them. so when someone close to me decides to give up his own life without any second thought, i look inside my own and check what can i do to never ever want to give up mine. what went bad and what went right, what can i repare and what should i just deal with. also to admire myself, cause i shouldn't forget about things i've already dealt with.

like it or not - i'm the girl with issues. and if i will keep on not facing with those little battles, which i've won, i will never have a good self-esteem. and i deserve to have it, sorry. my mum, the darkest part of my life for sure, an alcoholic with cancer and now amnesia. jesus. my friends or just people around me have parents with only one of these and they feel terrible, so what should i say? father is a lost neurotic with romantic soul and not romantic as i cheap movies, but romantic as darkness, death, resignation and so on. it's hard to be a father for anyone then. brother is an alcoholic who is destroying his wife and kids for years and i should still remember that he's my brother, so i'm not really that first to judge him, sister is crazy and histerical and unbelivable selfish and she also has issues of course...

and ok, i get it, my path is brighter now - i've gotta job, i've got amazing people around me and it's not only a compliment - they are amazing. even if they're bad then they are special in this badness. so i'm not sad, i'm just focused right now.

i go to work everyday and i enjoy it, i meet my friends, drinks coffee with them, eats sweets and laugh and it's no pretending here. but then i come home and i'm focused. cause i have to deal with my issues one day. for no more nightmares, which are good but they are too big sometimes to handle. and i won't have them lighter without dealing with them.



so maybe i'm listening to sad and hard songs, watching movies and feel them too much but not stopping, sitting in the past which has not really gone, but it's all to make it better.

you want me to not give up easily, so let me focus for a while on my issues. cause they exist. for god's sake. and i need second thoughts. cause i see how bad is without them.

/ yup, tutaj. i yup, pozostałe numery są gdzie indziej. jak skończę z issues to się zajmę kwestią ilości blogów. albo i nie.